Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Me:  (being polite)“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Her:  (being grumpy) “You mean Singles Awareness Day Eve.”

Me:  “Funny, did you come up with that on the spot?”

Her:  “No, I read about it online, but the point still stands. Valentine’s Day is a sham.”

Me:  “Because you’re single?”

Her:  (getting defensive) “No, it’s not that. I hated it just as much last year when I was dating.”

Me:  “Why?”

Her:  “It’s a stupid marketing scam that tricks women into forcing men to ‘proof’ their love for them by buying cards with cliché sayings, chocolate that will be gone by the end of the day, and flowers that will be dead by the end of the week. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now.”

Me:  “Now, when you’re single, you mean?”

Her:  “I told you it has nothing to do with that.”

Me:  “Did you still accept the gifts back when you weren’t single?”

Her:  “I didn’t have a choice.  And it’s not the gesture that bothers me, it’s the fact that its so forced; so contrived. You know?”

Me:  “Well, I don’t know my feelings about all of that, but you have a point about the flowers being dead in week thing. Which is why some time back I opted to give someone a large bouquet of roses, all made out of plastic. Symbolizing how our love will transcend the mortal limitations of life itself, and be everlasting. Explained all of that on the card and everything, too.”

Her:  “Nice. Did she like it?”

Me:  “I’m standing here celebrating Singles Awareness Day Eve with you, aren’t I? That should give you your answer.”

Final Verdict:  Don’t bothering arguing the meaning of it all and just buy your partner the stupid cards, chocolates, and flowers, and then get yourself laid.  Happy Valentine’s/Singles Awareness Day.

Valentine’s Day Letter to the Sweetest of All Things

Dear Chocolate,

Once again the day of the year has come on which you above all things will be bestowed all the attention and devotion you could possibly crave, as love-laden valentines seek you out in hope that your delicate texture and rich aroma will make them more carnally appealing to their significant others.  A wise move on their part, for what tooth could resist your toothsome sweetness, and what ninny would nay-say your nectarous nourishment; so redolent in your luscious tastiness, that there surely exists no buckle, undergarment, or chastity belt on earth, heaven, or the ether whose bindings could not be loosened by your candy-coated goodness.  All this I know and understand.

Nevertheless, amidst your annual foray in the peripherals of the smitten masses, do not forget who it is that seeks your company to sooth their weary hearts for the other 364 days of the year.  Those of us who crave you not as an ends to a fudging means, but to fill the lonesome hole in their lives through that sugary-wanting hole in our faces.  We who expect nothing of you, other than to satisfy our “meal-for-one” ordered dessert.  Sure, occasionally we might unduly snap at you, and possibly still blame you for that time we failed to impress the head cheerleader/quarterback of the football team with what should have been our amazing track running skills, but we always come back, don’t we?  Thereby, while you enjoy the attention reserved for you on this day, do not forget, dear Chocolate, that no matter what, at the end of the day, you are as you have always been, and shall always remain:  a Single’s treat.

Sweetly yours,

SS

Happy Valentine’s Day

keep-calm-and-keep-loving-chocolate